The Power of Goodbye
by carbyfan
Summary: Chapter 6 uploaded! Sorry it's been so long! The baby's here....RnR guys! ;)
1. You Are Everything

Disclaimer - So I own these guys? Wanna make somethin' of it?! Rating - PG-13 The Power of Goodbye - Lusan Authors Notes - I would really really really really really really LOVE feedback...it just makes my day! So if anyone has time...whether it's good or bad! At least I know someone cares! Thanks guys! This is my first Lusan so be kind.. ;)  
  
It me by surprise I must say, but from that moment on, I knew we were forever. The second when you looked at me, it was everything to me. One time, years before, I felt like this, I think, but it wasn't meant to be. He was a cowboy, and he wasn't you. Now you're here, and I can't think of anybody else I'd rather be with. It's quite cliché really, I was never the sappy type, I curse those who are, and I despise people who pretend that they are. I'm not pretending, I am the sappy type, at least now anyway. You make me whole, you make me everything.  
  
You are everything, and everything is you. That's our song. Our song. I've never had a 'song' before. But now I have one, I feel as though I've missed out on so much in my life. From when you took my hand to now as you hold my hand lying next to me, you're my everything. I remember when you took my hand, and we danced for the rest of the night. I've never danced like that before, not with anyone, and I never even thought I'd want to. But now I have, I don't regret a thing. One thing I regret is not dancing with you sooner. You kept asking and I kept resisting, 'Dance with me Susan, dance with me', but I ignored your advances and laughed them off as a drunken proposition. But they weren't, and you weren't drunk. And I felt like a fool, but now I feel like a fool in love.  
  
It was when you pulled me onto that told me everyone was watching us, that was when I knew we'd be forever, and I was right. As I lie here, remembering the look on Carter and Abby's face when we kissed. Our first kiss, on that dancefloor, on that night. It was like a dream. I thought I'd care what other people thought if we ever got together, but when it came to it, I didn't care one bit. I wanted to tell the whole world how great we were and how happy I finally was, I guess I've done that now. That night, I go over it over and over again, it's locked into my memory forever. I'll always remember the smell of her cologne as I rested my head on your shoulder, moving closer to your neck as you lay your head on the side of mine, the warmth of your body as we moved closer, the touch of your hands on my hand and my back. I get shivers when I think about it.  
  
Carter and Abby left that night for their honeymoon, and we left that night to start a new life together. To anybody else, it looked rushed and done because we didn't have anybody else. But now, six months on, we're still going strong, and we proved them all wrong. As I lie here, your hand protectively around my stomach, I imagine what life would be like in Croatia. I've never been there, and I'm not sure I want to, but all the stories Luka had told me seemed so beautiful. It sounded like the perfect place to bring up our baby, and to grow old together. But now, we can't, war is so common these days, it's a wonder we're all still living. She sighed, life had its ups and downs, and whenever something good happened, something bad had to happen. The fact that she was two months pregnant and Luka still had no idea made matters slightly complicated. How he would react was the main concern on her mind, and she struggled with ideas of how to tell him until the sun rose, and that damn alarm went off.  
  
"Good morning." Luka said as he opened his eyes slowly.  
  
He squinted through the streams of light that was shining on his face. Susan smiled at him and then looked at the clock. 10.46am. First time she'd had a lie in for God knows how long, not that it mattered, she hadn't even gone to sleep anyway. Another day at work, oh no wait, it was her day off. She sighed again with relief and then snuggled back down into the comfort of Luka's arms.  
  
"Morning." She replied finally after yawning hugely and then coughing.  
  
"You have a cold?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Sure?"  
  
"Of course. Just tired. I didn't get much sleep last night."  
  
"You didn't?"  
  
"Not really. I haven't been sleeping for ages."  
  
"Any particular reason?" He asked, concerned as he moved closer to her and put his face into her neck, warm and cosy he figured.  
  
"Not sure. Probably not. Just restless I guess."  
  
"You got work today?"  
  
"No. I'm off till tomorrow evening. On at 5."  
  
"Lucky you."  
  
"When are you on again?"  
  
"11."  
  
"You better go you're gonna be late!" She shouted, it was gone quarter to eleven already.  
  
"No tomorrow morning."  
  
"Oh. Well you can stay just here then."  
  
"Try and stop me." He said as he started kissing her neck.  
  
She lay back as he began kissing her all over, another trip to heaven coming up. But then she remembered what happens when things like this happen, a pregnancy happens. She wanted children, sure, but not now. It just wasn't good timing at all. She couldn't cope with another baby anyway, not after what happened with little Susie. She smiled remembering the time they had together, and then she frowned at remembering how she lost Susie to Chloe. She would never forget that day. It was imprinted on her mind forever, another sad memory she'd rather soon forget, but she knew she wouldn't.  
  
Memories were a precious thing, some were good, some were bad. She reasoned with herself whether she'd only want to remember the good memories, but then she decided the bad ones were the ones that made her the woman she was today. If Chloe hadn't run off and abandoned her with Susie for months, she wouldn't have this closeness she has with Little Susie now, and then she wouldn't have left Chicago and met some really great people, and then she wouldn't have come back and eventually, met Luka. Things always happen for a reason, whether it seems like they do or not at the time, everything works out in the end. Susan was strong, she always had been, but learning to deal with what had happened to her and her life in the past few years was hard, but she was still here. Now carrying her own child she wondered if it would be any different.  
  
She shook off her thoughts when she realised Luka was talking to her.  
  
"Sorry what?" She said shaking herself out of a thoughtful and never ending pit of worry.  
  
"I said are you okay?" He said as he lay on top of her looking slightly worried.  
  
"What? Yeah I'm fine. Carry on!" She joked as she looked away.  
  
He sighed and moved over to her side and then leant on his arm.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean what's wrong."  
  
"Nothing's wrong! Why do you think that?!"  
  
"The fact that you were sighing, the fact that your mind was somewhere completely different to here, the fact that I was kissing you and you didn't even realise. You don't need to be a mind reader to see something is bothering you. So you might as well tell me and save time now."  
  
He smiled and stayed put waiting for her to speak. He was so good at this, listening and guessing when there was something wrong. He was a mind reader, no other guys had ever realised when she didn't wanna talk, or when something was bothering her.  
  
"Nothing. It's just..God I don't know where to start."  
  
"How about from the beginning."  
  
"Things happen for a reason right?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Okay. So if something happened with us, then you would just figure it was fate or whatever right?"  
  
"Depends what it was."  
  
"Okay. Hypothetically, say if I was pregnant. How would you react?"  
  
"What's going on?"  
  
"Nothing. I was just thinking what would you do."  
  
"Oh. I guess I'd be happy."  
  
"Really?!" She said surprised, tilting her head back to see his face better.  
  
"Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Is that it?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"That was bothering you."  
  
"Yeah pretty much."  
  
"Good cos I want to take you out today."  
  
"Aren't you on at 5?"  
  
"Not anymore." He said as he picked up the phone and began dialling the ER's number.  
  
"Hello is Dr Weaver there? Thank you. Hi Kerry. It's Luka. I'm coming down with the flu I won't be in today. Yes I will. Thanks bye."  
  
He hung up the receiver and lay back down facing Susan, both lying on their sides. He leaned over and kissed her head smiling.  
  
"See?"  
  
"I can't believe that!"  
  
"What? I want to take my favourite person out on my sick day. What's wrong with that?"  
  
"Nothing I guess.!"  
  
"Okay. Get dressed then."  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
"It's a surprise."  
  
"I hate surprises."  
  
"I know."  
  
She laughed at his unbothered manner and got out of bed moaning.  
  
"It's so cold!" She said as she ran to the bathroom and shut the door quickly. He heard a huge sigh of relief coming from inside.  
  
"You okay in there?"  
  
"Yeah I'm sitting on the radiator!"  
  
"Oh." He laughed and then began getting dressed.  
  
Half an hour later they were both dressed and in Luka's viper going along the freeway.  
  
"Can't you tell me now?!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Now?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Now?"  
  
"Not any time soon."  
  
"Okay. Can't you give me a clue?!"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Oh come on Luka! I wanna know!"  
  
"It's not a big deal."  
  
"It probably is! You won't tell me!"  
  
"Okay I'll tell you when we get there."  
  
"Well that's gonna do a lot of good isn't it!"  
  
"Be patient. You'll see soon enough."  
  
He carried on driving smiling at the impatient woman on his right. She kept fidgeting and playing with her hands the whole way. He knew she did that when she was nervous.  
  
Why is he doing this to me?! He knows I hate being nervous. It's probably the worst feeling ever. My palms get all hot and sweaty and my cheeks get hot. My ears are burning now. Great. I hope we're almost there. Wait, what's that? The mall? Oh great, lunch at McDonalds. Classy guy. She slapped herself for being stupid, he was probably taking her to lunch somewhere really nice and she's being sarcastic just cos he wouldn't tell her where they were going. I can be so selfish sometimes, she thought to herself as they drove into a space.  
  
"The mall?"  
  
"The mall."  
  
"What are we doing here?"  
  
"Wait and see."  
  
"You said you'd tell me when we got here!"  
  
"You complained so I withdrew that offer."  
  
"Luka!" She shouted as he walked away smirking. "You're such an ass!"  
  
They walked hand in hand laughing and talking all the way, through the mall, past different shops and stalls. Not once did they stop and look in one, the conversation was obviously so compelling they failed to notice anything or anyone around.  
  
"Here we are." Luka suddenly said, interrupting Susan.  
  
"Mothercare?!" She said laughing slightly. "I think we both grew out of these clothes a while ago. Nice thought though. I think." She said curiously.  
  
"I thought we could buy some baby stuff." He said normally as he took her hand and pulled a very confused looking Susan with him into the shop. "You know, prepare and everything."  
  
"Prepare for what?"  
  
"The baby."  
  
"The baby." She repeated uncertainly.  
  
"Yeah." He said confidently as he moved round to stand in front of her. "I know Susan. And I'm really happy."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	2. Baby Shower

Four months had passed and Susan was now heavily pregnant. Six months had gone by and she was now feeling the pressure. She wanted to stay working, being at home all day was so boring, daytime TV wasn't what it used to be. She decided to keep working as long as she could, it was best, especially to earn some money. She knew it was going to be tough when the baby arrived, they had just bought a new apartment nearer to the hospital, but bigger and in a more upper class environment, so naturally it was more expensive. In all truth, Luka had paid for most of it, but she didn't want him to be the one who bought everything all the time, so she decided to save up all her earnings from now on so they had some put aside if anything ever happened.  
  
It was 4.30am and she was still awake. They had gone to bed at around 12, he went before her, she stayed up to watch Fear Factor reruns. She hadn't been sleeping properly recently, probably because of the large bulge she had on her stomach. She always wondered why God made it so uncomfortable to have a child, and it really was. She had to lie on her back all the time which she really didn't like, she couldn't really bend down anymore, and on top of that, they hadn't had sex for at least two months. She wondered if it was because he didn't find her attractive while she was pregnant, or maybe it was just he didn't find her attractive, period. It saddened her, more than she could ever explain.  
  
She would never mention it though, she knew it would just cause aggravation she didn't need. There wasn't really much of a problem, he was always caring about her, making her dinner, taking her out, all the things she could ever want in a man, except for that one thing. After hours and hours of thinking about it, Susan decided it was bothering her that much she had to talk to him. She didn't want to, but things that bothered the two of them were always said, why change a habit?  
  
She reached over for the remote, stretching as far as she could without having to move much.  
  
"Got it." She said congratulating herself on getting the remote.  
  
She turned off the TV and yawned, it was pretty late, and both of them were on at 10. She looked over at the clock on the wall. 4.37am.  
  
"God it's late." She sighed as she put both hands either side of her legs to get up.  
  
She hoisted herself up and walked slowly, rubbing her face and yawning once more towards the bedroom. She smiled as she glanced into the baby's room along the hall. She stopped in the doorway and looked around the room, it was so beautiful. She couldn't believe they were actually having a baby, a few years ago she would never believe she was where she was. She turned out the light and then closed the door silently. She walked along the hall again to the end where their bedroom was, opening the door as quietly as she could, but finding something she didn't expect when she walked in.  
  
"You're awake?!" She said surprised when she saw Luka sitting up watching American football.  
  
"I couldn't sleep. I'm trying to understand football but it's complicated. The bed was cold too. Where have you been?"  
  
"I couldn't sleep either so I went to the lounge. Didn't want to wake you." She said as she walked slowly over to the bed and opened up the covers. "What's this?!" She exclaimed as she saw a card sitting on the sheet under the covers.  
  
"You didn't think I'd forget did you?" He asked smiling.  
  
"Hmmm.." She said slyly as she got into bed and ripped open the card.  
  
Dear Susan,  
  
I'm so glad I finally found you, You'll never know what you mean to me, But I'll tell you one thing, We're forever.  
  
I love you.  
  
Truly forever, Your Luka  
  
She stared at the writing in the card, it was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to her. She felt so special, and also pretty emotional all of a sudden. She felt a tear slide down her cheek, which she quickly wiped away before he saw it. He had never seen her cry, which was something she was glad of. She hated getting upset or emotional, especially over something like this. It wasn't something she had the right to be crying about.  
  
"It's beautiful Luka." She said smiling at him.  
  
"I meant it Susan."  
  
"Yeah?!" She said laughing and crying at the same time.  
  
"Come here." He said opening his arms out.  
  
She lay down into the comfort of his grip and sighed, he was so great, she never knew she could be this happy all the time. She closed her eyes and soon fell right to sleep. I guess Luka was her sleeping pill.  
  
"Where's Lewis and Kovac?!" Shouted Weaver as she arrived at the admit desk. It was half ten.  
  
"They're running late. Luka called in." Answered Abby as she carried on looking at the computer.  
  
"Why?" She asked as she dumped a load of files on the side.  
  
"Susan's ill."  
  
"I see. Tell Luka I want to see him when he arrives."  
  
"Sure." Abby replied still not looking up from the screen.  
  
Ten minutes later Susan and Luka arrived through the ER doors and straight to the lounge. Abby smiled at the sight, they were holding hands and laughing and joking, 'Ill my ass.' Abby muttered as she walked towards the lounge.  
  
She walked in to find Luka bending down with his ear to Susan's stomach.  
  
"What's goin' on?" Abby asked.  
  
"The baby's kicking!" Luka said excitedly.  
  
"Really?! Wow! Can I hear?" Abby asked, also pretty excited.  
  
"Sure." Said Susan smiling as she watched Luka getting emotional over a kick. "You guys are terrible!"  
  
"What! It's exciting!" Answered Abby as she leant in close to hear the baby. "That's your baby Luka." She whispered as they both kneeled closely to Susan's belly.  
  
"I know. It's great." He said smiling, then looking up at Susan who was stroking her belly. "Can you feel it?" He asked interested.  
  
"Yeah. Here look." She said as she grabbed both their hands and placed them on a spot. "There! You feel that?!"  
  
"Oh my God! I can't believe you're actually having a baby!"  
  
"I know it's pretty unbelievable isn't it?" Susan replied as Abby stood up smiling.  
  
"Oh Luka Weaver wants to see you."  
  
"What about?"  
  
"Didn't say. Just that she wanted to see you when you got here."  
  
"Thanks. I better go. Don't want to make her angry anymore than she already is."  
  
"Yeah." Answered Abby, still smiling and feeling Susan's belly.  
  
"I'll see you later."  
  
"Yeah. Good luck!" Susan called as he walked out smiling at her.  
  
"He's so proud!" Abby said as he left.  
  
"Who? Luka?! Of what?"  
  
"The baby. You. I've never seen him like this before. He's just so..happy. You are too I can tell."  
  
"Yeah. I am." She said smiling as she walked to the couch to sit down. "But damn am I tired."  
  
"Really?" Abby replied as she sat down next to her.  
  
"Yeah. I haven't had a proper good night's sleep in about two months."  
  
"Wow. How are you coping?"  
  
"Okay I guess. I think I know why I haven't been able to sleep properly though."  
  
"You do? What is it?"  
  
"Well..it's kinda..personal." Susan said reluctantly.  
  
"Oh. Say no more." Abby said as she got up to get a coffee. "Drink?"  
  
"No I'm okay." Susan said looking at Abby, wondering if she should tell her or not. "We haven't slept together for a couple of months." She blurted out before she could stop herself.  
  
Abby turned around and looked at Susan, not really understanding what she meant by that.  
  
"You mean sleeping together in the same bed, or actually 'sleeping' together?"  
  
"Actually 'sleeping' together."  
  
"Having sex."  
  
"Yeah." Susan said slightly embarrassed.  
  
"Well.why don't you ask him?"  
  
"God no."  
  
"Why not?!"  
  
"It's too difficult. I'd rather just leave it."  
  
"Well it's obviously bothering you otherwise you wouldn't have brought it up."  
  
"I guess."  
  
"Don't be like that! Come on you gotta talk to him."  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"You're having a baby together, you're living together, you're probably gonna get married someday and you can't talk about this with him?!"  
  
"You're right."  
  
"Of course I'm right."  
  
"Do you really think we'll get married?"  
  
"I have no doubt."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Sure. He's totally in love with you. Remember a few weeks ago when that woman came in and Carter did all those tests and found nothing?"  
  
"Uh.yeah."  
  
"She admitted that she had a broken heart."  
  
"Really?!"  
  
"Yeah. Anyway, Luka was talking to her cos Psych was backed up and Carter was off, and I walked in and he was talking about how there was hope for everybody."  
  
"I don't get it."  
  
"Well the woman was in love, but now the guy was gone and he was trying to explain to her that you don't have just one love. And the woman was like how would you know, and he said cos 'I know'."  
  
"What did he mean?" She asked, still completely confused.  
  
"Well he told her about his wife, and what happened to her and then he said he was unhappy for a lont time and never thought he'd fall in love, and then he met you."  
  
"He didn't say that."  
  
"He did! Why would I make that up?! He said his girlfriend was pregnant and he was in love with her."  
  
"And that's all you heard?"  
  
"Well..yeah."  
  
"What was the 'well' for?"  
  
"Nothing." Abby smirked and looked away smoothing over her eyebrow.  
  
"Come on! Tell me!"  
  
"Ahhh." She sighed.  
  
"Please?" Susan said in a high voice trying to persuade Abby.  
  
"Fine. He said he was gonna ask you."  
  
"Ask me what?"  
  
".if you wanted to get married."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"That's what he said!"  
  
"What she say?"  
  
"She said it was a lovely idea."  
  
"Well he hasn't. So he was probably just saying that to make her feel better."  
  
"Hmmm don't be fooled. I think he has a plan." Abby smirked again and then got up to pour the rest of her coffee away. "That coffee sucked. And I have to get back. You coming?"  
  
"Yeah in a minute." Susan said slightly distant.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"Yeah sure."  
  
"Okay, see you later!" She called as she was halfway out the door.  
  
Susan still sat on the couch, completely stunned. She had wanted to get married for years but the right guy was never there. Now, he was, and he was going to propose. The question was, when?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	3. Something's Wrong

She was having one of those nights. One of those restless nights where she was anxious, nauseated, excited, scared, nervous and happy all in one. It wasn't easy living on the edge all the time, especially when she was pregnant. Luka wasn't home yet, he didn't finish till 8. She had gotten off early, Weaver had been cutting her a bit of slack, she knew Susan was having a tough time with the pregnancy. No sleep and constant urges for weird food like chocolate and raisins or orange peel. God she was weird. What sort of person in their right mind would eat orange peel?! She laughed to herself, then continued her exercise of flicking through the TV channels. She had only worked 6 hours today but she was knackered from it. The workload was getting too much, she was beginning to make mistakes, and it wasn't helping with the sleep deprivation and constant nausea. She had planned on staying at work as long as possible, but it looked like that wouldn't be very much longer.  
  
The thought of sitting around the apartment day in, day out, with hardly any company most of the time didn't sound very appealing to her, but things were starting to affect her work. It was risking a patient's life, and she wasn't going to do it. So there was that decision made. She would go on maternity leave next week, finish of the weeks rounds, and then start afresh. She figured it was time now anyway, she was happy, she had a boyfriend who loved her, and she loved him, and there was a baby on the way, she didn't need to work, she had more important things to worry about. They hadn't really bought anything that day at Mothercare, it was more of a settlement that he was happy than a shopping spree. They bought a cuddly bear, then went home and made love. It was perfect.  
  
But it hadn't happened since then, as she had told Abby earlier that day. She still worried if he found her attractive anymore, now she was fat. She knew it wasn't really her fault she was fat now, but she hoped this celibacy didn't last much longer, she had needs. She laughed to herself, she sounded like a pervert, needs. Needs my ass, I'm horny! She carried on flicking through the channels, completely zoned out in her own thoughts, thinking about Luka and what their future would hold. She glanced over at the clock, 8.34. He should have been home 15 minutes ago. She sighed, he was probably avoiding her now, probably couldn't think of any other excuses not to have sex with her. It wasn't like he'd actually given her an excuse before, but it was just neither of them had tried to have sex together since that night he admitted he knew about the pregnancy.  
  
They had a routine, both would go to bed at the same time, always, but they would kiss, say goodnight, and roll over and go to sleep. Well try to anyway. She wondered if he had been having trouble sleeping or if it was just her. She didn't want it to be just her, she didn't feel comfortable about the whole situation anyway, so to be alone would make it worse. She worried that if they couldn't talk to each other about stuff, like this, they couldn't very well go and get married or even have a child together. It was a lack of communication, she knew it, and she knew he did too. She decided tonight was the night they would talk, properly. It didn't matter right now if they didn't end up having sex, she just wanted to see where he was. He had been preoccupied recently, and she wanted to know why. Was it her? Or was it just stress from work? Either way, it needed to be talked about.  
  
Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of keys turning in the lock. "Now or never Susan." She said to herself as the door opened slowly.  
  
"Hey." She said smiling as he walked in looking freezing and pissed off. "What's up?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"There's something wrong I know it."  
  
"I lost a couple of patients today. It was a Mother and her two kids. The Father watched them die. It's hard sometimes." He replied looking sorry and walking slowly to the kitchen area to get a drink. "You want something?" He asked politely as he poured himself a water.  
  
"I'm fine." She said as she turned around on the sofa watching him. "I'm sorry about today. It wasn't your fault."  
  
"I know. It's just memories. It's hard to forget." He replied quietly, looking up momentarily at her looking at him sorrowfully, then looking back down at his glass. "So what did you do today?" He asked changing the topic.  
  
Susan decided he wasn't going to change the subject and get away with it. She got up and walked slowly over to him, a blank expression on her face, but still holding so much comfort and emotion for him. He looked up slightly, watching her come towards him. He didn't expect a reaction, anybody else would ignore his sorrow and talk about something else, but she cared what he was feeling. She reached him and took the glass out of his hand, putting it on the side. She took his hands, both of them looking down and watching their fingers intertwining, like a pattern of love they made all their own. It fascinated them to watch their mingling hands, then she looked up from them momentarily and watched his face.  
  
"It's okay to be sad Luka." She said finally, watching for his reaction.  
  
"You think?" He asked quietly, still looking down.  
  
She moved one of her hands up to his face, and pushed it up slightly to look at her, he looked so hopeless and alone.  
  
"Yes. It's okay to be sad. I'm not going to think any less of you, ever." She said confidently.  
  
He smiled slightly, then his half frown returned to his face and he moved their two hands that were still clasped together, up to his face to wipe away the single tear that had found its way down his cheek. She smiled slightly, he was so beautiful, and it hurt so bad to see him cry. She leaned up and kissed his cheek lightly, then stood back where she was again.  
  
"It's hard." He said, then broke off.  
  
"I know I know. It's alright."  
  
He tried hard not to let go, but it was too much. She had been so good, she was always so good. He couldn't help but cry. He collapsed into her arms that night, crying so much he wondered where all these emotions were coming from. He was just trying to find an answer, but he knew there would never be anymore than the better thing. And she was it. She was that better thing. The only good thing that came out of his move to Chicago. He loved her, God he loved her so much. He hoped she knew, he hadn't shown that he did for so long. Words were never much when they were together, not really. I love you was never something either of them was very regular with, although they knew it. He figured they were at that point where you didn't need to say it, they just knew. He knew she loved him, no matter what, and he loved her the same, if it possible, more now than ever before.  
  
"I love you." He said suddenly as he was cuddling into her.  
  
They still stood in that same position in the kitchen, she opened herself up for him, and he took the opportunity to be held, and here they were, five minutes on, still hugging. He just wanted to show her how much he loved and needed her, but words were all he had right now. She hugged him tighter in response, he knew she knew now. The past was irrelevant now, they both knew.  
  
"I love you too." She replied finally, after a long pause of silence. Everything was going to be alright.  
  
Eventually, after some time, they broke apart from the hug, but still close, so close they could feel each others heart beat. Luka kissed her softly on the lips and then watched her, she was so beautiful. He couldn't understand how someone so special could be interested in someone so..average. He wasn't special, he was nothing, and she was, she was just amazing. He looked at her standing in front of him, there for him as usual, always there for him. He was thankful for her, he actually silently thanked God for Susan Lewis. If it wasn't for her, he would have nothing.  
  
"Are you okay?" He asked quietly as they stood in silence for a while.  
  
"Yeah." She replied, smiling thoughtfully at him.  
  
They stood for ages, the world had stopped around them, and all there was, was them in it. He wasn't convinced, she had sadness in her eyes recently, a sadness he wished he knew what it meant but he didn't. It made him sad, that's how he knew. When she was sad, he was sad, it was as simple as that. In the past, times like these, he ignored her sadness, and chose to pretend everything was okay. It truth, it hadn't happened very often, but when it did, he was so overwhelmed by her not being okay, as she usually was, he didn't know how to handle it. So he ignored it. He thought things would go away if he ignored them, but the truth was that mostly, things got worse. He had seen the sadness for a while now, and he wanted it to stop. It was now or never.  
  
"There's something wrong. Come sit down with me." He said, motioning towards the sofa.  
  
He sat down and switched off the TV, leaning forward to put the remote on the coffee table, then laid back for Susan to lie on top of him. They lay together for a while in complete silence. Her head resting on his chest, her back to his front, together as one, but still a slight distance between them. All they could hear was their breathing, a comfortable silence, but things still needed to be said. He took a breath to speak, but found he had no words. What could he say? He didn't want to ask if she was okay, he just wanted to know she was okay.  
  
"Tell me what's wrong. Please." He pleaded, still holding her hands around her body, both their hands resting on her protruding belly. He rubbed it with one hand, still clasping her to her other hand for dear life.  
  
"What do you mean?" She asked, knowing full well what he was talking about.  
  
"You're different. Have I done something wrong?" He asked worriedly.  
  
"No of course not. I just.it's tiring being pregnant and working at the same time." She replied sighing slightly.  
  
"Maybe you should think about going on leave now."  
  
"I have. I'm going to at the end of this week."  
  
"When did you decide this?"  
  
"Today. I was thinking a lot tonight and I decided it's too hard. My work's starting to slip, and I lose concentration easily because I'm so tired all the time. It's time."  
  
"Have you told Weaver?"  
  
"Not yet."  
  
"You want me to do it?"  
  
"No it's okay. I'll tell her tomorrow."  
  
"That's not what's wrong. I know it. I wanted us to talk tonight anyway, there's a few things I wanted to say."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"You first."  
  
"No you go first. Mine isn't very important."  
  
"If it's on your mind, then it's important to me." He said firmly as he kissed the top of her head and waited patiently for her to speak.  
  
"Do you still find me attractive? Or did you not ever?" She said suddenly. He could feel her tense up and she was holding her breath as she waited for him to speak. He was more than shocked by this, she was the reason he bothered to get up in the morning, she was the reason he went to bed at night, and she was the reason he continued with his pathetic existence. She made him feel more than a man, she made him feel whole, she made him feel alive. 


	4. More Than A Man

He could feel her tense up and she was holding her breath as she waited for him to speak. He was more than shocked by this, she was the reason he bothered to get up in the morning, she was the reason he went to bed at night, and she was the reason he continued with his pathetic existence. She made him feel more than a man, she made him feel whole, she made him feel alive.  
  
"What makes you think that?"  
  
"It doesn't matter. It's just me being stupid." She said, trying to brush it off, she knew she shouldn't have said anything.  
  
"Of course it matters. If it makes you feel any better, I find you more attractive everyday I see you. If that's possible." He replied slowly, feeling hurt she felt like this.  
  
"Really?" She said, her voice low and slightly surprised.  
  
"You are more beautiful to me now than you have ever been." He said stroking her arm. "Why did you think that?"  
  
"I guess it was just that we haven't..well anyway, I just thought you didn't find me sexually attractive anymore. It didn't worry me so much until I started thinking that after time you'd stop liking me as a person as well." She said, slightly embarrassed, but still a bit cut up about it all.  
  
"Susan listen to me, we haven't, for a while because, well because when my wife was pregnant, she never wanted to. The entire time she was pregnant, with both of my children. So I just guessed it would be the same with you."  
  
She laughed and then went silent again. She had been so stupid, jumping to conclusions before she even asked him. This was a lesson she'd never forget. She knew not to think before she asked with him, he always managed to surprise her.  
  
"I'm sorry Luka."  
  
"You didn't know, I understand." He said thoughtfully, still stroking her arm.  
  
"I guess that'll teach me to jump to conclusions huh?" She said laughing a little.  
  
"Exactly." He said smiling as he leaned up and kissed her head again.  
  
There was a silence again as they both lay again in a comfortable silence, treasuring this moment as a time where they were both just being, and they were together.  
  
"So now that I know." He began, in a voice he always did before they made love, or had sex, depending on the mood, ".do you think you're ready to go to bed?"  
  
She smiled to herself, she had him. She sat up slowly, turning over to face him, and leaned in to give him a kiss.  
  
"You sure this huge bump doesn't put you off?" She asked smiling as his face broke out into a huge grin, that face he did when he knew he was about to get lucky.  
  
"What bump?" He said smiling and sat up slightly on his elbows to reach up and kiss her properly.  
  
"I've wanted this for so long." She mumbled in between kisses.  
  
"Me too." He replied quietly as they continued their kissing marathon.  
  
One thing led to another, and an hour later, they were lying together in bed, in each others arms.  
  
"I love this." She said randomly, after a few minutes of silence had passed.  
  
"Me too." He said smiling as he lay with his arm round her shoulders whilst she lay on her side right next to him, her legs wrapped around his, and her arm draped over his chest.  
  
"I was thinking today."  
  
"Yeah." He replied smiling, she always started a sentence that way when she wanted something.  
  
"Next week when I'm off, I'd start looking around for stuff for the baby's room."  
  
"Good idea."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Sure. I'll come with you when I'm off."  
  
"Sounds great. But then I thought, we're not gonna know what kind of stuff to get."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"We don't know the sex. So I'm gonna be stuck on colours."  
  
"Well that's easily fixed." He replied simply as he reached over and grabbed the phone.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Calling Dr Coburn."  
  
Susan smiled at him as he dialled the number, then held the phone to his ear.  
  
"Hello may I speak with Dr Coburn please? Yes it's Dr Kovac. Thank you." He said as he waited patiently for her to pick up at the other end. "Hello? Yes Dr Coburn it's Dr Kovac. No nothing's wrong, it's great, but Susan and I have decided we want to know the sex.." He smiled broadly as he heard the answer. "Yes, thank you. That's great thank you very much. Good night." He replaced the receiver still smiling so much his cheeks were hurting.  
  
"So?!" Susan said excitedly.  
  
"It's a girl." He replied quickly, his face a lit with happiness.  
  
"Really?! A girl? We're having a girl!" She said smiling as she hugged him tightly.  
  
"We're having a girl." He repeated as he hugged her for everything he had, then kissed her head. "I can't wait." He said smiling as he touched her cheek.  
  
"Me neither." She said back, gleaming with pride. They kissed again, and the night went on as both had planned. 


	5. Decisions, Decisions

Thanks for all the reviews people! For all my fics, Against All Odds, Girl's Club and this. I really appreciate it! Hope you enjoy this chapter! ;)  
  
Rows upon rows of toys, prams, baskets, clothes, blankets, and all things baby were laid out in front of Susan as she entered Mothercare for the fifth time that week. It was now just under a month till the big day, and she had only bought the essentials. She thought about what the essentials were, and it suddenly dawned upon her that a rattle and a dummy wasn't really an essential at this point. She sighed as she walked along the third aisle, still with nothing in her hand. She had Luka's credit card, so that wasn't a problem, but her trouble at choosing things was becoming a problem. She needed help, and quickly. She foraged through her purse to find her cell. If in doubt, call Carter. She dialled his number, number three on speed dial after Luka and Abby. She waited patiently for him to answer, with various obscenities flying around her head as the wait became longer.  
  
"Damn you Carter." She said out loud as she hung up. No answer.  
  
Well, there's always Abby, although she didn't really strike Susan as a baby shopper. Oh well, she's as good as Carter. She waited patiently on the other end when suddenly Abby answered sounding slightly muffled.  
  
"Abby? Yeah it's me. How you doin'? Good. Yeah I'm great, but I need you're help! I'm baby shopping. Are you off today? That would be great if you could. I'm at Mothercare now. Okay see you in a bit."  
  
She hung up and smiling, slightly relieved she had some help on the way, it wasn't going to be as hard as she thought. Half an hour later Abby arrived, slightly flustered and seemed slightly out of sorts.  
  
"Hey!" Susan exclaimed as she saw Abby walk in looking slightly annoyed as she searched the shop with her eyes for Susan.  
  
"Oh hey! Sorry I took so long, the damn El was late."  
  
"It's okay. You okay?"  
  
"Yeah. Just the El."  
  
"Ahh. Okay ready for some serious shopping?!"  
  
"Of course! Let's go!"  
  
Susan held out her elbow for Abby to link arms with her and she did so excitedly, leaving her slightly foul mood behind, and turning into a happy person ready to shop.  
  
"What about this?" Susan said, holding up a pink bunny the same size as her.  
  
"Yeah if you want to scare it."  
  
"Come on it's cute!"  
  
"Yeah in a freakish Freddy Krueger kinda way." She replied dryly as she rolled her eyes and carried on picking out little outfits.  
  
"Okay. It is kinda big." Susan agreed as she put it down and carried on searching through all the soft toys.  
  
"I think we've got almost the entire store in this trolley." Abby said smiling as she threw in another cute outfit.  
  
"Yeah I'm glad I'm not paying."  
  
"Who is?"  
  
"Luka. He gave me his credit card."  
  
"Sneaky! I swear America is the only place you can use someone else's credit card without getting caught."  
  
"I know. He said the limit was ten grand."  
  
Abby burst out laughing, almost spitting out the gum she had been chewing the whole day.  
  
"Ten grand! Jesus!"  
  
"I know! I knew there was a reason I chose him!" She joked as her and Abby carried on laughing.  
  
"Well if you're going to spend that much we better head over to the checkout!"  
  
"Yeah, I don't think there's anything left we haven't got."  
  
"Oh there is. Just one thing." Abby said mysteriously as she walked away towards the back of the shop.  
  
"What?" Susan asked as she followed quickly, wondering what Abby had in mind.  
  
"One of..these." She said, pushing a pram in front of Susan.  
  
"Oh God I completely forgot!"  
  
"I know! You can't have a baby without one you know."  
  
"Well it's damn lucky I brought you along! I would have forgotten!"  
  
"That's me, practically perfect in every way!" She joked as they walked along the row of prams, looking at each and shaking their heads then moving on to the next.  
  
"You know this the hardest shopping trip ever! I never usually have trouble buying stuff..I guess it's not for me so I take longer."  
  
"It's your baby though Susan.you should have a fair idea." She said smirking slightly.  
  
"God I'm gonna be a bad Mother."  
  
"Don't even start with that. You'll be great." Abby said smiling.  
  
"Well if I'm not at last she'll have Luka. One is better than nothing!"  
  
"She?" Abby said raising an eyebrow.  
  
"I didn't tell you?" Susan asked surprised.  
  
"No! Tell me what?!" Abby asked, already knowing the answer to her question.  
  
"We're having a girl. Luka called Dr Coburn last night." Susan replied gushing.  
  
"Oh my God!" Abby said hugging Susan, surprising herself with how happy this made her feel.  
  
"I know." Susan said smiling. "We couldn't believe it. Although I wouldn't mind what sex it was." Susan said smiling.  
  
"This is so great. Wow. You're gonna have a little girl. With Luka. This is too weird."  
  
"I know. God it is weird actually." Susan said sighing. "But I'm glad. I'm happy." Susan said, smiling to herself, she was finally happy.  
  
"So which pram are you going for?" Abby asked as they began walking again.  
  
Just then, Susan had spotted one she knew immediately was the one for her. She walked up to it and put her hands on the handle.  
  
"This is the one." Susan said confidently.  
  
So, half an hour later, their shopping was being loaded into the boot of Carter's jeep which Abby had borrowed, and Susan followed behind in her bug and soon they arrived at Susan and Luka's place.  
  
"Man we got a lot of stuff." Susan commented as she began shifting the baby stuff from the car.  
  
"I know. Stop that, you can't lift this stuff." Abby said taking a box out of Susan's grip and putting it on the ground.  
  
"I'm not an invalid." Susan said laughing.  
  
"No, but you're heavily pregnant, and you could pop at any minute." Abby said sarcastically. "So I will carry this inside, and you can go make me a coffee." Abby ordered as she began loading it all inside.  
  
"Eye eye captain." Susan said jokingly as she did a pirate sign and walked inside. She was glad Abby had come along, surprisingly she'd had fun, baby shopping wasn't renowned for being a fun task. But it had been, and she couldn't wait till next time. 


	6. Beautiful

"How far along is she?" Chen enquired as she walked towards Doc's with Abby.  
  
"Like, any minute."  
  
"Is she nervous?"  
  
"I don't know, she keeps to herself about it. I think she just wants everything to be okay. Especially because of the trauma she went through when Chloe gave birth."  
  
"I can imagine. When did you last see her?"  
  
"Monday night. She fell asleep when we were watching Dirty Dancing."  
  
"So she's tired already?" Chen asked amused.  
  
"It was eight thirty." Abby said bluntly.  
  
"Oh God, poor Susan!" Chen laughed.  
  
"She's had quite a tough pregnancy. Her morning sickness only stopped a few weeks ago."  
  
"Really? I didn't get it that much. But I always felt sick, just couldn't barf."  
  
Abby laughed, it was weird Chen had been pregnant. She wondered if she missed the baby, but decided she better not ask in case she opened a can of worms.  
  
"What time are you off?"  
  
"Seven. Two more deadly hours to go. You're off now aren't you?"  
  
"Yeah. I'm gonna go to Susan's quickly, you should come over later if you're not doing anything?"  
  
"Yeah okay I'll pop over for a bit. Sure she won't mind?"  
  
"I think she'll be pleased to see a friendly face to be honest."  
  
"Okay. Well I'll see in a couple of hours then."  
  
Half an hour later Abby was walking up the stairs to Susan and Luka's apartment but paused when she saw the door open.  
  
"Susan?" Abby said cautiously as she stepped closer to the door.  
  
She pushed the door open more so she could see into the apartment, but nobody was there. She walked in slowly, searching the apartment with her eyes looking for someone, or something.  
  
"Susan?" She called again.  
  
"Abby?" Susan called from the bathroom.  
  
"Are you okay?" She asked concerned, walking towards the bathroom.  
  
"Get in here!" She called.  
  
"What's going on?" She asked worriedly as she entered the bathroom, but finding something rather unexpected.  
  
"It's started." Susan said as she breathed heavily.  
  
"Shit. How far apart are the contractions?"  
  
"30 seconds."  
  
"Jesus! Why didn't you call me?"  
  
"I can't find the damn phone. And then I just figured Luka would be home soon so I could hold it."  
  
"Susan it's not like going to the toilet! It comes when it wants to!" Abby exclaimed searching through the cupboards for towels.  
  
She left the bathroom and began searching the apartment for the phone. She eventually found it under the sofa, and began dialling the number as she walked back to the bathroom and saw Susan's breathing had got noticeably worse.  
  
"It's too late." Susan said between breaths. "My waters broke half an hour ago."  
  
"Okay okay. You sure you don't want me to call?"  
  
"There's no point. Call Luka. I'll be fine." She said panting.  
  
Abby began dialling Luka's number and waited impatiently for him to answer.  
  
"Luka? Luka it's Abby. Get home now Susan's in labour. And bring supplies!"  
  
She hung up the phone and placed it on the side as she knelled down onto the floor and took Susan's hand.  
  
"You doing okay so far?"  
  
"Yeah. Apart from the excruciating pain."  
  
"It's alright Luka will be here soon." Abby said comfortingly. "Can you move to your bedroom?"  
  
"I don't know." Susan said as she felt another contraction. "Holy.ahhhh!" She screamed.  
  
"Okay. Maybe not." Abby said panicking. She began setting up the towels around Susan, placing a pillow behind her and underneath her for comfort and then making sure she was completely ready to give birth.  
  
"Is that okay?" She asked.  
  
"Yeah. As good as." Susan joked as she felt another jerk of pain. "Oh my God!" She screamed as another contraction hit.  
  
"Where's your first aid box?" Abby asked quickly.  
  
"In the kitchen. Third..drawer from.the sink." She said between breaths.  
  
Abby ran off to the kitchen and searched the first aid kit for gloves. Thank God Susan was prepared, Abby was more panicked than she was. She put on the gloves and rushed back into the bathroom to find Susan almost ready to burst. She knelt down in front of Susan's open legs and grabbed one of her hands.  
  
"Okay I'm gonna check how dilated you are." Said Abby calmly. "10 centimetres. Okay you're ready okay?"  
  
Susan nodded as she gripped both of Abby's hands.  
  
"When I say, you're gonna push as hard as you can until I say stop okay?"  
  
Susan nodded again and bit her lower lip, this was it.  
  
"Okay. Now."  
  
Susan pushed with everything she had, and she felt waves of pain call through her body at every point. She was in a whirlwind of pain, but she remembered why she was here and what was about to happen. Her life was about to change completely. Hers and Luka's. Where was he anyway? She thought about the times she had had together, and times they were going to have and in the midst of the pain and trauma, she smiled slightly and then looked up at Abby into her eyes. Susan smiled and nodded, acknowledging Abby as her friend who was helping her get through this.  
  
"Okay. Again. You're doing great Susan." Abby coached. "There's the head." She said as she held the baby's fragile skull in place as Susan pushed once more.  
  
"Please God!" Susan yelled as she felt the baby was almost out.  
  
"This is it. One more okay? Just one more you're doing so well!" Abby said as Susan took a deep breath and pushed for everything she was worth.  
  
"Ahhhhhh!" She moaned as she heard sudden cried of the baby.  
  
"Susan it's finished!" Abby cried as she lifted the baby out and smoothed it's head with a soft towel.  
  
The baby cried, Susan cried, and Abby cried. Abby wiped all the residue off the little girl and wrapped her in a blanket.  
  
"Can I hold her?" Susan asked, exhausted as she wiped her face with a towel.  
  
"Of course you can Mom." Abby said smiling broadly as she handed the baby over to it's Mother.  
  
Susan took the baby and cradled her softly as she lay against the bathroom cabinet, totally knackered but blissfully happy.  
  
"Hi there sweetie." Said Susan softly to the baby who had now stopped crying. "I'm your Mommy. And this is your Aunt Abby." She said looking up at Abby smiling.  
  
Another tear fell from Abby's eyes and she wondered why she'd got so emotional. She felt a wave of happiness wash over her as she watched the new Mother and her baby. It touched her to be called 'Auntie', something she never thought she'd hear.  
  
"Thank you." Was all Susan could muster as she sighed deeply.  
  
"It was my pleasure." Abby said affectionately, gripping Susan's knee.  
  
"Where's Luka?" Susan asked smirking. "He missed it!"  
  
"I'm here!" He called as she hurried into the bathroom to find his new family.  
  
"Where the hell have you been?!" Susan asked.  
  
"Traffic." Luka said quietly as he walked slowly towards the two on the floor.  
  
He sat down cautiously next to Susan and looked at Abby smiling.  
  
"Is everything." Luka began.  
  
"Everything was fine." Abby said comfortingly. "I'll go get some water. You want anything Luka?"  
  
He shook his head as he turned his attentions to the baby. He couldn't believe this was his child. His baby. His little girl. He looked at Susan who was smiling like a Cheshire cat at the baby, stroking her head softly.  
  
"She's.she's." Luka began. "I love you." Luka whispered to Susan.  
  
"I love you too." She replied looking up at him.  
  
He kissed Susan softly and rubbed her cheek affectionately as he gazed into her eyes. He loved her. So much.  
  
"Hey beautiful." Luka whispered to the child and leaned down to kiss her on the forehead.  
  
"I thought we could name her Faith." Susan said.  
  
"Faith?" Luka asked surprised. "I love it." He mused as he kissed Susan again and then watched their little girl.  
  
Abby walked back in with some water for Susan and handed it to her.  
  
"You wanna hold?" Susan asked the emotional new Dad.  
  
"More than anything." He replied.  
  
Susan carefully passed the baby to Luka and took the water from Abby.  
  
"Thanks." Susan said as she sipped it.  
  
Luka watched Faith in amazement. Her tiny arms, her tiny feet. Everything was tiny. He wanted to touch her but she was so delicate she was afraid.  
  
"Don't be scared to touch her." Susan said calmly.  
  
He looked up at her and then back at the baby. He smoothed his index finger ever so softly across the baby's cheek. So soft and fragile. So beautiful.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
